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Bad News, Again

So IUI #3 was a failure 😦

Matt and I are very sad that our last attempt did not work. The last two days have just been a huge blur for me. I called my nurse yesterday and made our IVF consult appointment, which will be December 12th. While I am happy that we are moving forward, especially with IVF success rates, I am still sad. I feel so angry at my body for not doing what its supposed to. I feel punished, even though I KNOW that I am not being punished. Not being able to get pregnant for two years has been absolutely devastating, but I am going to work as hard as I can to make sure IVF is successful for Matt and I.

Hopefully our appointment goes well. 2015 IVF here we come…

aaaaaa

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Surviving the dreaded TWW

When you are trying to get pregnant, the TWW (two week wait) is the WORST. Waiting to take a test is awful, some women start testing very early too. When I started doing my IUI’s my friends and family wanted to know almost immediately if I had started testing. The truth is, after two years of doing this- I don’t test anymore. My period is exactly the same day every month, so now I just wait for it to be late aaaaand- it never is…

Usually it is this time where I start teetering from hopeful to scared. I guess I get scared of (what I think) the inevitable? I had promised Matt that I would be positive this IUI, and I am trying my best. It is not something we have been discussing, analyzing everything to death and its been nice. We have kept very busy, we went to San Luis Obispo this weekend with friends, I took a few days off work, and now I am leaving for Arizona for a few days for work. So if there was ever a time to be busy during a TWW- this is it!

Please everyone keep your fingers and toes crossed for me! XO Des

do

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IUI #3 complete!

Preparation.

Ok IUI was this morning. We still have one more tomorrow, as our clinic likes to do back to back IUI’s to maximize success. However based on my intense ovulation cramps late last night, I know todays IUI was the most important!

This was the first IUI where I also went by myself as usually Matt comes with me. However due to work he was unable to come. Luckily my fav doctor (Dr. S, shes a woman. Because my clinic is a “practice” I don’t always see Dr. M, in fact hes probably the Dr. I see the least, probably because he is one of the main Dr.’s in the practice and does mostly IVF) and favorite nurse were there to cheer me on and keep me company!

While lying on the table after the procedure I listened to some music and tried to visualize Matt’s sperm swimming up to meet my waiting egg. I said a prayer and that was that. Now I am posted up on my couch working and watching TV where I will remain for the rest of the day 🙂

Thanks for listening!

xox

Des

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Ultrasound Update!

Today I had my CD 13 ultrasound to check to see if I had any mature follicles ready so that we could do our trigger shot and have the IUI this week. Luckily we did 🙂 Matt and I were both kind of worried because my last ultrasound on Sunday showed that I had two eggs on my right side but they were pretty small..so we waited a few days and did two more shots and it worked! I have one egg ready to go 🙂 I also have two on my left but the chances of my tube also picking up those eggs is 5%.

IUI #3 is scheduled for tomorrow and Thursday! Hopefully third time is a charm 🙂

xox
Des

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1st Post!!!

Hello there and Welcome to my brand spanking new blog which will revolve around my journey through infertility. I decided awhile back to start this blog as an outlet, which I really needed. I mean there is only so much yoga I can do! LOL. My husband and I have been going through the rollercoaster of infertility for almost two years now. I tell ya, I kind of always thought this would happen- that I would have a hard time conceiving. I don’t know how to explain it, it was just always something back in my brain that told me that I would have a hard time getting pregnant. Now, did I know that I would have SUCH a hard time? Absolutely not. To this day, a year and a half later, I still cannot believe this is where I am in life. I could have two kids in the time I have been trying!

I have always wanted to be a mom. I have always been very good with babies and kids and I just KNEW that I would be so good at it. At 30, a LOT of my friends have become mothers, and I would be lying if I said this didn’t hurt me. I am SO happy for them, but every pregnancy announcement just reminds me of my inability to get pregnant and it kills me. My poor husband, every time we get a new pregnancy announcement I cry and cry in his arms asking, “why is this happening to us?” he is so supportive and loving, he is a steady rock during this process. He tells me our time will come every single time I have a meltdown- and I have them frequently.

I’ve never been a “closed book” type of girl. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I let pretty much everyone know the struggle we are going through. I do have some friends who don’t ask me what is going on in our journey. I know they think it will just make me upset, But honestly I like talking it out with my friends and my family because I like to have their support, it means a lot to me. I don’t know how some go through this journey not telling anyone- it is hard enough!

So with ALL that said…here is our Infertility Timeline:

September 2012: Stop taking birth control

January 2013: Actively start trying to get pregnant- mostly regular 28-29 day periods, and positive opk’s (ovulation prediction kit) each month

August 2013: I get impatient. Go to a OBGYN I have not seen before, tell her I have been TTC (trying to conceive) for 8 months. She blows me off and tells me to come back after a year. Uh…NO

September 2013: Go to another new OBGYN, lie and say I have been TTC one year. She immediately prescribes 50 mg of Clomid

Resulting in BFN (BIG FAT negative)

October 2013: 100 mg clomid – BFN

November 2013: 100mg clomid- BFN

December 2013: HSG (test to check tubes for blockages) and sperm analysis ordered

January 2014: officially been trying one year. HSG showed one tube open, and other tube open but “slightly dilated” Matt’s test came back perfect (Yay!) OBGYN refers us to fertility clinic. We are pretty devastated.

Februarys 2014: Break. We travel and try and forget whats happening. we get our call for a consult from the clinic, but we cant even get in until April

March 2014: Break

April 2014: FINALLY get our appointment with our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) Dr. M who tells us after looking at my HSG results that we should get to surgery ASAP to find out what the issue is with my left fallopian tube. Surgery is called a laparoscopy and is outpatient, which is good news. Bad news is its expensive (just the beginning…)

May 2014: I have the Laparoscopy, and Dr M finds a Hydrosalpinx. To break it down: it was swollen and full of fluid. Unable to be repaired. Dr. M removed left tube. Right tube was held down by scar tissue which he was able to fix. I wake up and Matt tells me the results. I am so sad, but happy that Dr. M found the reason why we were not getting pregnant. I feel like maybe this is going to happen!

June 2014: break, we are unable to TTC due to dr’s orders

July 2014: Dr M suggests we proceed slow. Start doing Timed Intercourse with clomid. We are to be monitored by ultrasound to see if I am producing an egg on my right side, since if I only produce on the left my chance of getting pregnant is less than 10%. Dr. prescribes 100 mg Clomid, two weeks later my ultrasound shows I am ovulating on my left side 😦 Cycle is cancelled.

August 2014: Clomid 100mg prescribed again. First time ever no positive OPK! WTF. Ultrasound shows Clomid basically caused me to NOT ovulate. I am so angry. Dr M says enough with clomid. Lets move to mixed cycle of Femara (pills) and Gonal F (injections) and IUI. Matt and I are nervous about the costs, but really happy this is moving along!

September 2014: First IUI! While I didn’t respond to clomid very well, I responded to injections VERY WELL. I produced 5 eggs on the side with my tube! Dr M will not allow me to keep all eggs bc he is worried about multiples. After pleading on my side, he allows me to keep 3, but I have to have the other two “aspirated” on the day of my IUI. Matts count is amazing, we have our IUI!

B.F.N.

October 2014: 2nd IUI….BFN (starting to freak out…

November 2014: IUI another Fail

pulling out the big guns and planning a 2015 IVF 🙂

April 2015: IVF #1: egg retrieval.15 eggs retrieved, 7 mature, 6 fertilize. 

Day 3 transfer completed with two 8 cell embryos. None to freeze as the remaining 4 don’t make it past day 4.

Bfn 😦 diagnosis: poor egg quality 

June 2015-Febuary 2016: egg quality boot camp. Make many lifestyle changes to hopefully improve quality.

Febuaury 2016: IVF #2: 30 eggs retrieved! 26 mature,15 fertilize. 10 frozen embryos 😊 fresh transfer cancelled due to high progesterone and OHSS.

May 2016: FET #1: transfer two blastocysts. BFN 😔😩😣

June 2016: FET#2: transfer two embryos: FIRST every BFP! Even bigger surprise: it’s twins! Due 3/2017

September 2016: we find out we are having boys 💙💙

6 embryos left ❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️