0

One day at a time 💙

it’s been ten days since our IVF fail and while it’s getting easier each day, it’s never far from my mind. While the initial grief has slowed, I still wake up every single morning and have to remind myself that I am not pregnant, and that’s still a very hard pill to swallow. 

Matt and I are extremely fortunate to have very, very supportive family & friends and without this I don’t think we would be doing as well. The last ten days we’ve been flooded with texts and emails with support and love. While going through this Fail publicly is hard sometimes, the support we’ve gotten because of it has been amazing!  

We woke up the day after my last post to find this basket of goodies and a 6 pack of Matt’s fav beer from our awesome friends, it was so lovely. 

  

Also got this beautiful card from one of my BFFs ❤️

  
Then this last Saturday we had dinner with our friends and had some drinks after (the one good thing about not being pregnant is that I can drink…and eat sushi) 
   
 

Everyone has asked what the next step is with us. June 10th we have our ‘WTF’ appointment with my doctor. That term is used in the infertility community. Makes sense. WTF?!?? I have a TON of questions for my RE so I am counting down the days. I just want to form a game plan so I can get ready for IVF #2 in the winter. I’ll make sure to write an update on that appointment. 

Again, thank you to everyone who called, text, emailed, etc. I appreciate everyone’s kindness and positive thoughts! 😘

  

3

The post I never thought I’d write…

Well, it’s over. Unfortunately our IVF cycle was unsuccessful.

We have known since Monday, as that was the day we decided to take a home pregnancy test. I bought a First Response, knowing that if I was pregnant, it would give me some kind of line, since it registers the smallest amount of HCG hormone.

It was negative.

It broke our hearts.

Infertility is already such a horrible road to be on, and my only saving grace, my only HOPE through this whole thing was IVF.

We thought this would be SO easy, my doctor, my acupuncturist, all thought we would have this in the bag based on my age and diagnosis.

It all fell apart. And I don’t know why. I don’t know if I ever will.

I don’t know why God is making me wait. All I know is that I have never felt this way before and I am heartbroken and so angry. It just isn’t fair. All week Matt and I have felt like we were underwater. I’ve never seen him so upset and it truly kills me. We loved our embryos. We named them, we talked to them every night. I prayed so hard all day for them. But it just wasn’t meant to be.

if I let myself feel that it was all for nothing I wont get through it, so I am just letting myself sob and hoping that somehow we can get through this together.

I have barely been able to speak with anyone about it- including my own family. I have refused friends and families requests to come over, to bring us dinner, for anything. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it -I do more than ever- but the truth is I feel so utterly broken and the only person I feel comfortable around right now is Matt.

I know this isn’t the end, and of course we will try again as soon as possible. For now we just need to grieve the loss of what we hoped would be our final journey in becoming the parents we so want to be.

Thank you so much for everyone’s calls and texts and prayers.

xo Desirae

2

None to Freeze ❄️

this is beginning to feel like the IVF cycle from Hell. 

It all started so well! I responded SO great to medication! I grew 15 follicles which is considered a good amount! retrieval went well and then after that everything seemed to roll downhill. Out of 15 follicles we only had 6 fertilize. We tried staying positive- 6 is better than none right?

Except Friday when they called and said that out of 6, 4 were looking good, two being the best- they said I needed to come in Saturday for a 3 day transfer. I was devastated by this- 3 day transfers are not as successful as 5 day transfers. I knew that since we were down to 4, we needed to transfer ASAP to get the embryos in their natural environment (my uterus) and hope and pray that the other two (or 4- they were just slow growers) would make it to freeze.

When you get embryos to freeze, it’s kind of an insurance. If your first transfer doesn’t work- you can do a frozen embryo transfer, and it’s only 3k instead of 12k like we had paid. 

As you know from my last post, my 3 day transfer went super well and we put back two very good looking embryos- but we of course prayed every day for some to freeze.

Today we found out that none of our embryos made it. They stopped growing at day 3, one DID grow to blastocyst Day 5 but didn’t meet cell criteria to freeze. So this puts us Ina hell of a predicament. If this transfer doesn’t work we will be left with nothing and will have to start ALL over again.  It’s been a hard day and every time I start to cry I remember that I have two embryos in me and need to stay strong and positive for them. This isn’t over. 

Please pray for us- we need it! Xo

   
 

6

Officially PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)

for those of you who thought we were transferring Monday… surprise! we transferred two beautiful embryos today! It’s been a long, emotionally draining two days, and to be honest I am not ready to dive into what got us here today. I will update on the journey to today’s transfer later.

In the meantime, today I am pregnant! Please send your prayers and thoughts our way! We are beyond happy and already in love with our embabies 💜

Here are some pics from today’s transfer:

  
Matt all dressed up & ready for transfer!

  
Right after my pre transfer acupuncture appt, waiting for the Dr to come in and transfer the embryos! I wore a shirt with an elephant on it since they are good luck 🙂

   
 

Other good luck charms included angel wing earrings my MIL gave me, and a wishbone necklace I purchased for myself at the start of IVF. Oh and that fortune  I got a few months back? Yeah, that’s in my bra-seriously .

  
And here are our two embryos. so beautiful, I am resting the next few days and hoping they are digging in and making themselves comfy. 

Thanks for ALL the prayers and positive thoughts sent our way. Matt and I are so appreciative. Xox

4

Retrieval + Fertilization Report

if I have learned anything about IVF it’s that it is a rollercoaster of emotions. One day your up, one day your down, and that’s the whole process for 6 weeks!

Yesterday we had our long awaited egg retrieval. We got to the clinic at 6:30 am, the first people there besides the nurses, anesthesiologist, and Dr Stephens. Since I had requested her, everyone had to get there early! 

It was weird to be in the surgical wing of my clinic, and I wasn’t nervous at all being there. I changed into full hospital get up and my IV was put in. Matt went off to give his ahem, donation and I was wheeled into the operating room. I woke up an hour later and started crying because that’s what I always do when I come out of anesthesia! Matt was there and I was told 15 beautiful eggs were retrieved! Yay! After proving I could pee on my own I was wheeled out and came home! 

Yesterday was sort of rough but not too bad! I had a hard time getting off the couch and walking but pretty much just stayed on the couch and rested! 

This morning I got the call from the embryologist, and out of the 15 eggs, 8 were mature and 6 fertilized successfully! While Matt and I were originally disappointed with this number , we still have 6 that made it and now we just have to pray that they  make it to blastocyst stage. I am prepared that a few might not make but I know that it only takes one. As long as we can freeze a few for insurance I’ll be happy! 

At this point we are now accepting prayers and positive thoughts for our 6 remaining embryos! We need it! We will get our next call on their development and grade on Saturday, then transfer Monday! Please wish us luck! 🍀

  
Matt took this yesterday as I was just coming out of anesthesia- it’s so bad but I’m glad to have this day documented 😊

  

4

Close Calls

Shortly after I posted about yesterdays appointment I got a call from a nurse at my clinic. She told me that my progesterone levels had increased to a 1.6 and if they reached a 2.0 tomorrow they would still do my retrieval, but my fresh cycle would be cancelled and I would have to freeze all my embryos and do a frozen embryo transfer (FET) in 4-6 weeks.

As quick as you can say FET I of course, had a meltdown. Now, is a FET any better or worse than a fresh transfer? Not really. In fact, my clinics FET success rate is 3% higher than a fresh cycle. Why? Supposedly because your body gets a break to get back to normal after being pumped full of meds, and therefore is a better place for an embryo for transfer. The nurse even told me (which I barely was able to comprehend since she said “cancel” that’s all I could think about) that many clinics around the country were doing away with fresh cycles all together and doing only FETs.

Did any of this help me? No. I was a wreck! I immediately got off the phone with the nurse, and turned to the worst place to get clarity-Google. I had no idea about this “rise in progesterone causing cancellation of fresh transfer” business and I needed to educate myself. What I found out was that it was common for this to happen with women who produced a high amount of follicles in an IVF cycle. Since follicles around this time will start secreting a small amount of progesterone on their own, mine were doing this x20.

So I spent all day yesterday worrying, crying…and Googling. I barely slept. We had an appointment today for ultrasound and bloodwork and according to my nurse, todays bloodwork would determine whether or not I could do a fresh transfer in a week or have to wait 4-6 weeks. When I sat down to have my blood drawn the nurse had a hard time finding my vein because they kept ‘rolling’ (barf) and my other arm is so bruised from having blood drawn every other day. She decided to give me some water and have me to do my ultrasound first. As soon as Matt & I were behind closed doors I lost it. I couldn’t contain the tears from having to be poked and prodded anymore. To be so worried about my progesterone level, and to have my dream of having this embryo transfer snatched away from me and postponed.

Enter Dr. Murray, my original RE. We had not seen him in so long and once he asked how I was I unloaded on him. I told him I was sore, bloated, tired, worried, etc etc. I am pretty sure Dr M thinks I am a HUGE basket case (maybe I am) but he told me I shouldn’t worry about the progesterone yet because it was only at a 1.3! Apparently, I had misheard the nurse in my panic and although I wasn’t in the clear yet, 1.3 is way better than 1.6! I calmed a little and he explained to Matt and I why having progesterone at the right level is key to transfer time. It’s a lot so I will spare you all. He also measured my follicles and we are good to go and cleared for retrieval Wednesday! Yay!

At noon my nurse called me and informed me that my level had gone to only 1.5 and we were are okay for fresh transfer She said no more stressing. Whew!

I wish that nurse wouldn’t of called me yesterday in the first place, because all it did was worry me for nothing!

me, yesterday and this moring

2

CD 11 Ultrasound Update

We had our ultrasound this morning, hoping to see some large follicles and do our trigger shot to have our retrieval on Tuesday. That  was not the case today! We arrived at the clinic (late, again- only Matt & I would get traffic on a Sunday) and were in good spirits because we knew we would be seeing Dr. Stephens  for what we hoped would be my last monitoring appointment. Dr. Stephens checked my lining, all good, and proceeded to count and measure all the follicles. We were all so quiet watching her count and measure as my eyes were glued to the flat screen counting with her. The final verdict: 16 follicles total, but only 13 are dominant. This means that they will probably only get 13 mature eggs from me, as the smaller ones wont produce. I was a little disappointed but know this is still a good number. Plus they could always find more follicles once I am asleep and they can go about poking back there in my ovaries without worrying about causing me pain. The follicles need at least one more day of growth so we are going back tomorrow and (FINGERS CROSSED) triggering for a Wednesday retrieval.

After we discussed the follicle size and what day we think this will all happen, I got down to business with my favorite doctor: Will you be doing my transfer? I had been an anxious mess since starting shots, worrying that Dr. Stephens wouldn’t be doing the transfer of embryos, and being that I hadn’t seen her all week, I wanted some reassurance. Luckily for Matt and I, she told me this wouldn’t be an issue. When I told her my acupuncturist had said she was great at transfers, and that when she did them  they had resulted in pregnancies for most of  his patients (which isn’t a lie, and enhanced my desire to have her do mine) she even told me she would come in on her day off to do my transfer! Matt said she was so flattered by the acupuncturist comment and that’s what sealed the deal- that was my plan 😉

So one more day-OMG HOPEFULLY- of 3 shots a day. I wont lie- its getting pretty old, and I am also completely uncomfortable and want these babies outta me..no pun intended.

download picture of a cloudy weather happy sunday image