I feel like I really don’t blog that much lately and I don’t like that but there just really isn’t much to update. This is my infertility blog and right now there isn’t much to update and I don’t want to come and write a blog each week about how shitty infertility is because that would be lame.
I guess I do have a few updates. I emailed my financial coordinator over at my clinic because I wanted to know what the cost of our 2nd IVF would be. See, my clinic has 3 tiers of pricing if you happen to do 3 IVFs in one year (and you must compete all 3 in a year to get this pricing- yikes) 1st IVF is 9k, 2nd is 8k and 3rd is 6k. Well for some reason bc of Matt’s insurance we got a discount on our 1st IVF and paid the 2nd tiered pricing. Now that we were onto round two I was hoping we would still get said discount. My coordinator burst that bubble real quick: your discount only applies to your first IVF, your second will be the same price. GREAT. Since our meds will be higher 2nd time around since we will be more aggressive that means that we will actually be paying MORE for our 2nd round. So yeah, that sucked and Matt and I were not happy. If #2 doesn’t work we will go for #3 and luckily qualify for a very cheap IVF but that will be our last one because if after 3 IVFs we aren’t pregnant we will move to domestic adoption. The good news is that decision will be 100% made by June 2016, and that makes me happy- that there IS an end to this madness in sight 😊
For now all I have been doing to work on my fertility is take 600 mg of Coq10, 75 milligram of DHEA, 3mg of melatonin and a prenatal each day to help with my egg quality. There are way more vitamins that will be added to the mix but not until 3 months prior to IVF 2, since that is how long it takes to change egg quality and you can’t take these vitamins for a long period of time. We originally decided on a December IVF but I am thinking now that Januaury might be best- otherwise I would have retrieval and transfer the week of Christmas and I don’t want to do that.
A few weeks ago my good friend Gina sent me this necklace for my bday. She told me she knows I’ll make a great mom someday and that it’s a matter of when, not if. It meant so much to me and you all know how I feel about good luck charms. I’ll definitely be wearing this 24/7 during the next IVF round and I love it.
So yeah that’s all I have to report! The next few months are full of babies (my first ever niece is due Soon!) and more weddings, so I’ll be very busy but will update on all those things when I can!
Today is July 1st and it marks the eve of my 31st birthday. Ever since I started trying for a baby I have hated my birthday. All it does is remind me that I am another year older without a baby. As if thinking about getting pregnant wasn’t something that I think about 24/7 my birthday is even harder. When Matt and I married, I was 25 and carefree and thought I had ALL the time in the world to start a family. The plan was to get pregnant at 28, and then again at 29 and be done by 30. It makes me laugh and ache at the same time, thinking I could plan my life out like that.
I am reminded every day, almost every minute, of my inability to get pregnant. It is an inescapable hell that I live in and I hate it. A failed IVF under my belt doesn’t make it easier either, instead it puts more fear inside me that I will never ever be able to carry a child that is mine. I have thought more and more about adoption lately and while the thought comforts me (we can most certainly adopt, and put an end to fertility treatments) it also causes me grief ( I’ll never have a baby that is my own). I have been very diligent in putting a big effort into changing my egg quality for our next IVF. I email regularly with Dr. Stephens about vitmains and she probably is annoyed with my constant emails at this point!
I know that 31 and without kids is NOT a death sentence. I know that I have (some) time to have a baby. But I want one now, and I want to move on with my life. I don’t know how some people go through the heartache of multiple failed IVFs. The thought of doing another one gives me extreme anxiety- which is why I think waiting a bit to do the next one is the best idea. That and the fact that I need to be on these supplements for at least 4 months for them to have any effect on my egg quality. I wont lie though, taking close to 30 pills per day is NOT fun and I will only need to add more as I get closer to our projected IVF date.
I wonder sometimes if some people think I am crazy or sad or pathetic. That I should quit doing this to myself and just adopt a baby. The pity that comes along with being infertile isn’t easy to deal with. I think about these things myself-often. But I have to give this a shot and give my eggs the chance they deserve to turn into MY baby, right? I have to start somewhere and I have never been one to give up and go down without a FIGHT. So I will do what I do best until then…pick myself up, do everything under the sun that I can, and keep going.