Recently over the last week or so I have been really struggling over doing IVFx2. I know in my last post i wrote that I wasn’t excited but mostly what I felt was..nothing. I wasn’t really thinking of it as real and until that post was published did I really let it sink in.
I am having trouble finding hope in my heart when thinking about going through it again. Hope is a very dangerous emotion when it comes to infertility. I let myself hope 100x over in May and the disappointment was so consuming I am scared to let myself feel it again. I am sure that my lacking is my way of defending myself, not letting myself feel hope will protect me if it doesn’t work.
But it won’t. It won’t protect me. You have to jump into this invasive treatment with both feet, and if it doesn’t work you keep going or move onto other options. In our case, we are pretty sure that if this doesn’t work we will move onto adoption.
I think what makes me so anxious about this realization is just that: if I don’t get pregnant in three months, then I more than likely never will. I will never see my belly swell, I will never feel baby kicks from inside, never experience the joy of seeing what a baby mixed with Matt and I would look like. Even just typing that I have to fight back tears. The thought that it could all be over in a few months is very unsettling for me.
This is probably not the best way to feel going into an upcoming IVF cycle, I know, but I am just being honest. And while I may never feel pregnancy symptoms, I know adoption would bring wonderful blessings to our home, like giving a baby or child a home it wouldn’t have without us, and two people who would love them so much, especially because of what we have endured! But it won’t be easy, and I know that.
So again back to that word. Hope. I hope that I can snap out of this emotional funk. I hope that I can let myself feel excited as IVF looms closer. I’m just having a hard time getting there. I am a big lover of the holidays, so I am betting that once Christmas comes around I will be in different spirits. A girl in my support group who went through 3 IVF’s told me what I am feeling is totally normal. She said that once I see my eggs growing on the ultrasound machine hope will come flooding back.