Thanks to my genius of an acupuncturist, Aunt Flow made her debut this morning-4 days early! Woohoo. Frozen Embryo Transfer is back on and I am SO excited.
I assume this is what my one-armed reproductive system feels like every month I don’t get pregnant. I feel you, uterus, I do.
I should be transferring anytime between the 17th-20th. Let’s hope everything goes smoothly!!
Happy Friday xx
April 24-30 begins National Infertility Awareness week, and the theme Resolve.org has come up with this year is #StartAsking! I love the theme because I am a big believer that the stigma of infertility needs to stop.
1 in 8 couples are suffering from infertility, which by definition is the inability to get pregnant naturally after one year. This means that chances are, someone you know is going through the struggles of infertility.
When I first started going through this journey it was difficult to be so public about my experiences. While friend after friend fell pregnant naturally I sank deep into depression wondering why this wasn’t happening for me. I remember one night asking my mother if God had forgotten about me. After starting this blog and putting all my feelings into it I began to feel lighter- as if putting it out there was helping me deal. I have never been a very private person, so this was not hard to do per say. But I remember my blog being on FB the first time, and terrified knowing other people would see it.
Since starting Where’s Our Stork many woman I know from high school, college and work have opened up to me about their experiences with infertility- all who kept quiet about them. Some used IUIs, IVF or had multiple miscarriages before conceiving but didn’t feel comfortable telling family or friends.
This always made me so sad.Why is this happening? Why should anyone feel scared or ashamed of infertility? Infertility is a disease. There is simply a stigma on sharing these stories and that’s what #startasking is all about! And it’s not just asking people who are dealing with infertility questions about their diagnosis, but taking charge of your infertility by asking employers for better infertility coverage. Or writing to lawmakers and asking why our states don’t have coverage at all for IVF.
Only 15 states have an insurance mandate to offer some form of insurance- to me that is crazy! I have spent close to $40,000 trying to get pregnant. That is a staggering amount of money and Matt and I have made extremely large sacrifices in our lives coming up with this money, all for something most woman get to do for free. Woman deserve better.
If you know someone going through infertility- ask questions! I promise they will be appreciated. If you are going through infertility- have faith and courage that your story matters.
Today I was babysitting my friend Alicia’s kid and I got a call that was blocked so I let it go to vm. When I listened to the voicemail my heart dropped. It was Dr Stephens and she said she needed to talk to me right away, and that there was a “hiccup” with my cycle.
I of course, immediately panicked. My mind went to the worst case scenario-that my embryos didn’t survive the thaw, and that maybe ALL of them didn’t survive (I had given my permission to the embryologist that if one of two didn’t survive the thaw that they could grab from the other 8). Dr Stephens said I could call the clinic to talk to my nurse Sue, that she was aware of the issue, since Dr Stephens wasn’t in the office. I called my nurse and left a voicemail. I then went on Facebook, found Dr Stephens (stallllllllker) and sent her a FB msg to call me back, which she did. This is what she said:
My nurse had made a mistake in my timeline on when to start progesterone. I was told to start the day after trigger when in fact I shouldn’t have started until THREE days after trigger. My hormones have been compromised, I probably didn’t ovulate, and she wanted to cancel my cycle and start again next month. I replied to this news with, “that’s all? My embryos are okay?” She said they were fine. She was super apologetic and understood how upsetting this is. It was a mistake and she’s just happy that it was caught sooner than later. I won’t have to pay for anything next month since it was their mistake.
While this is so disappointing I think it was good I got Dr Stephens voicemail before her call. It really put things into perspective for me. This isn’t the end of the world. It’s a setback. I’ve waited years- what’s another few weeks?
My nurse called me and was so upset. She told me how sorry she was and that she understood if I wanted another nurse. My nurse has been doing this FOREVER, so I know it was an honest mistake. I told her that was fine and while it was a shitty mistake- I’m not angry with her.
I keep thinking maybe this transfer wasn’t meant to be? Sara my friend who goes to the same clinic? She had a setback when at her baseline the clinic found a cyst, and she had to start over with a month of birth control. Not only is she pregnant now, but she’s having twins! Maybe the extra month is what was supposed to happen!
Either way- I’m ok. Disappointed but ok. I’m having one BIG ASS glass of wine tonight- I fucking deserve it.
I hate Hate HATE ovulation tests. Having to read those lines and decipher whether or not they are positive or negative has always been, to me, a pain in the ass. I wanted to use the digital ones, but my nurse actually advised against it, saying they preferred either Clear Blue easy or First Response line tests. So I started testing on Tuesday- at work mind you.
Thursday…is that positive? I don’t know. I snap chat (YEP) Matt and ask his opinion, he thinks negative. I swear Friday it will be positive.
This morning it looked like this
With ovulation tests the line on the left has to be as dark as the one on the right (control line) to be positive. Matt thinks it looks the same as Thursdays test. I start to worry I am going to miss my window and email my nurse the picture and ask what she thinks. She calls me right away and says it looks close enough come in for an ultrasound!
So this morning I got to the clinic and had my ultrasound with Dr. Stephens to see if I was about to ovulate. I was! I had one giant 20 mm follicle and Dr. Stephens said my lining looked “beautiful” at 8.9 (it needs to be at least an 8) I was so happy I emailed my nurse the picture of my OPK this morning!!
Transfer is scheduled for next Friday. Dr. Stephens said if its ok with me, she would like to do my transfer, since she is one of the doctors on duty that day. I was like, uh YEAH, if you are here you are most definitely doing my transfer! I had literally just text Matt this morning saying how it would be great to have a weekend transfer because I wouldn’t have to miss work, but then I probably wouldn’t get Dr. Stephens to do it. So the stars have aligned and I get to transfer two lovely already hatched blastocysts next week by the doctor I seriously love.
I am extremely happy and a wee bit nervous, but so ready. Please everyone wish us luck! Oh and Matt too- starting tomorrow it’s back to progesterone shots in my ass every night. YAY.
When you go through infertility for so long, it can be hard to believe when things finally start to move in your direction. You become so used to getting bad news & bad results that you literally cannot grasp when things start to turn around.
That’s how I felt in first few weeks since I found out I have ten embryos frozen. I am SO excited, and so proud of myself that all the hard work I put in paid off, but I still have doubts. I still think every night, “what if it doesn’t work?” Now, the chance of me transferring all these embryos-if it comes to that- and not one of them taking is pretty freakin’ low. Matt (the ever optimist) knows its only a matter a time I become pregnant. if the first transfer doesn’t work? We have 8 more. He is hoping for twins. For real! It was just hard to celebrate this huge milestone, its easier to think it wont work because that is what I have become accustomed to.
My friend Sara, who goes to my clinic, and just went through IVF this month found out on Easter that she was pregnant for the first time after trying for almost five years. I am completely overjoyed for her and so excited. But it wasn’t until her third beta that she finally let some anxiety go about being pregnant.
Infertility gives you so much stress & fear already and it sucks that this has to carry on even when we should be celebrating right?
Well I decided the hell with it! I have gone through too much and endured way too much to walk into my FET with fear!
In my last blog post I wrote about what Destiny ate before her FET, which she does attribute to her success. However, she also had a personal mantra that she repeated constantly when she started to feel doubt and anxiety:
I am not taking no for an answer.
She told me she feels like she willed those embryos to implant. I loved it, and told her I would be adopting the affirmation. These embryos will be put inside me and inside me they will stay! I worked really hard to make them and I am going to work even harder to give them a good home for nine months. I am not jinxing myself- I am staying positive!!