The words escaped me as I tried to figure out how to pray for my situation.
I had prayed harder than I ever thought possible during this IVF. During stims, before retrieval, waiting for fertilization reports. Matt and I have never prayed so strongly. I drive to and from work, to and from appointments, in the shower, begging for a miracle.
Matt asked me yesterday while letting our dogs out if it made sense to be angry at God during this time. It made sense to me, if we would Of had a positive test, we would have been thanking God. Matt, an agnostic ( he had grown up without religion but didn’t believe that there wasn’t a higher power) is wounded, understandably.
Matt was more optimistic this time than I. Fully believing I was pregnant, this loss seemed to hit him harder. Which makes me feel so unbelievably guilty. Although Matt insists we are in it together (and we are, and I am lucky for him) I feel broken. I keep thinking that if he were to have been with someone else he would have had a family by now. Like somehow I am holding us and our life back. Every time we get negative news we are put back to square one.
I don’t know what’s next.
I don’t know if what I have is implantation failure. I hope to God not. I have gone through fallopian tube failure, to egg quality Failure. I have to hope this has nothing to do with my uterus.
I want to thank everyone for their kind words via text & on the blog. I’m lucky to have such a strong support system. We will not give up on being parents. The universe is so not fair- but we will get through this-together.
Our beta was negative 😔
We’ve been down this road before, and it doesn’t get any easier. Somehow the blow hurts even more since it’s our 3 day Memorial Day weekend.
We don’t know what happened other than the fact that we did have that weird ultrasound before transfer where everything wasn’t what it should have been. The extra estradiol & progesterone to help pump up my hormones didn’t help.
I have emailed Dr Stephens to ask her for the next step. We’re thinking of doing a medicated FET just to take the guessing game out of the question. It’s not ideal but I think it might be for the best.
I’m ok. Extremely sad, disappointed, and confused. I’ve never been so relieved to know that I have eight embabies frozen. I just hope to God that one of them breaks this painful cycle of ‘no’.
So today is officially my last day of being PUPO. They say ignorance is bliss, and for me, that has definitely been the case this last ten days…
Tomorrow my life will change forever or I’ll get thrown back into the whirlpool. I truly have no idea what is going to happen. I have been asked every single day by friends and family the same thing:
“How are you doing?”
I am hanging in there. I spent the first half of this tortuous wait extremely happy. I sat on the couch with Matt and we ate to hearts content, relaxed and Netflix’d it up big time! We talked about what it would be like when we finally became parents.
The latter half of the wait has been rough. You know from my last post that I had one really bad day. I have gotten back on the Hope Horse, but cautiously.
I find myself cautiously hopeful for tomorrow’s results. I had acupuncture Wednesday and I have felt peace since then, with exceptions to a few tears here and there.
I’m nervous. The very thing that keeps Matt and I not so stressed is the fact that IF this transfer does not take we still have 8 embryos frozen. We will do this again if we have to.
But hopefully that doesn’t happen and tomorrow all my dreams finally come true. I will probably go to bed in a few hours just so tomorrow will get here faster!
I feel like I constantly ask for prayers for Matt and I, but please say a prayer for us! Although we should know tomorrow afternoon it will probably feel like a million hours waiting for the results.
So today I am 5dp5dt (5 days past 5 day transfer) and sometime yesterday my “happy I’m Pregnant until proven otherwise mood” shifted and I started to really worry. I don’t really have any symptoms of pregnancy and that concerns me. I feel like other woman I have read about (I googled last night- like an idiot) have all these symptoms so soon after transfer – and I feel nothing.
I feel like having a failed IVF has ruined me and my ability to relax during this wait for beta. I am upset that I am feeling this way, I know it’s unhealthy to stress and worry. I know I am just trying to protect myself against another negative.
To me, this is the hardest part of IVF. The wait for the results. This is why there are woman out there who pee on a pregnancy stick every single day after transfer- because they can’t take the wait. I’ve always prided myself on not being like that. I am in a support group full of these ladies who think I am CRAZY waiting for Saturday for the results and not testing.
But I can’t bring myself to test at home. Every single time I have to see that blank white screen with one line my heart breaks.
Trust me- i know it is too early to be calling the game. I am smart enough to know that it’s way too early to be feeling this way. I know it’s irrational. I have no reason to think this transfer would not and could not work. I transferred two thriving embryos! I am annoyed at myself for already feeling like its a failure so early.
I’ve texted most of my friends about my feelings and most have confirmed that’s it’s too early for this talk and that when they were pregnant did not get pregnancy symptoms until as early as six weeks.
So I am going to try and get an emergency acupuncture appointment and calm my ass down. The serenity prayer helped me so much with the first half of IVF and hopefully it will help me the next 4 and 1/2 days.
Transfer went wonderfully! It was a great day.
I woke up at 7, showered and dried my hair. I didn’t use any lotion or hair products because we are supposed to show up without any perfumes or scents. Matt made me a big breakfast of eggs, avocado, toast and turkey bacon 😋 we had some time before we had to leave so I took my dog for a walk for 15 minutes. I wanted to move around and get my circulation going- plus it was a beautiful morning!
We got to the clinic ten min early and were brought straight in. We brought the Dr’s & nurses bagels, I wanted to give them all something for being so great with us. After being with the clinic for so long you just know everyone and they seemed happy to have some breakfast (behind closed doors Matt and I heard the embryologist wooping about bagels in the break room lol)
I was then given an ultrasound to see if my bladder was full of the water I was instructed to drink on the way to the clinic. Your bladder has to be full so the Dr can get a better picture of the uterus. It wasn’t full yet, so they gave me my Valium and put me in the transfer room to wait until my bladder was full. I drank 33oz, so I didn’t have to wait long before I started to feel uncomfortable.
Mary, my embryologist came in and was so happy to tell us that the embryos thawed beautifully and not only that- had already started multiplying and puffing up in cells. She said this is exactly what they want to see and that their best pregnancy rates are when this happens! She took two pictures for us, one when they were thawed and one two hours later. You can see the difference in the size (especially the left one) with the 2hr difference. It was so cool to see! Matt and I were so happy to get this report.
Then the nurse came in to press down on my bladder with the ultrasound and Dr Stephens came in to do the transfer. While we waited for Mary to bring in the embryos Dr Stephens brought up Game of Thrones and I was so happy to chat With her about that because the ultrasound with a full bladder+ speculum + catheter isn’t very comfortable lol.
The embryos were brought in and we watched Dr Stephens place them in my uterus. It was great. She said everything went perfect, not to test at home (I won’t) and that was it. I laid there for ten minutes and we we’re on our way- after I peed of course.
Today we’ve just been total couch potatoes. Due to the Valium I’ve been sleeping a lot! I’ll return to to work tomorrow and hopefully in ten days we will get the results we’ve been waiting So so long for. I am feeling very positive and very happy!
Tomorrow is the Big Day.
Tomorrow morning Matt & I will be reunited with two of our embryos and bring them home. Tomorrow I will be in that wonderful-yet frustrating- end part of every IVF cycle:
PUPO: Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise
I have a lot of good feelings about tomorrow. Mostly because I have done everything (literally, everything) I could do to make sure luck is on my side this time around. My Father in Law just text me today with ‘Luck is not found but made by determined people.’ I have been very determined to make it back here and now it’s in God’s hands. As my acupuncturist said, “it’s already written.”
I have prepared for tomorrow by cleaning the whole house ( a messy house stresses me out) stocking the fridge with healthy and yummy food, and making sure to basically stay relaxed- which I feel. Tomorrow I’ll be on bed rest and spend the day watching funny movies.
Tonight I’m going to take a long bath and go to bed early, and just pray for a great thaw report from the embryologist tomorrow (95% of embryos thaw perfectly, but of course I worry!) please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!
I have always loved the song True Colors. The original by Cyndi Lauper is a song I could listen to a million times and never get sick of it. When I stumbled across the duet of the same song between Justin Timberlake & Anna Kendrick I was so excited to listen to it- and it is SO pretty. If you know me you know that I LOVE Justin Timberlake, so I could be biased but you have to listen to it.
I just finished the sequel to the book ‘Me Before You’ its called ‘After You.’ I read Me Before You as soon as I saw the trailer for the adaptation to the movie. It is probably one of my favorite books I have ever read, and that’s saying a lot. The sequel was ok, it dragged a little bit but I still enjoyed it. If you haven’t read Me Before You, I definitely recommend it, here is the trailer to the movie adaptation, coming out June 3rd.
I also finished Kate Hudson’s book ‘Pretty Happy: Healthy Ways to Love Your Body’ and I really enjoyed it. Next up on my reading list is ‘The Longevity Book’ by Cameron Diaz and ‘Where the Light Gets In’ by Kimberly Williams-Paisley.
I hope everyone has a great weekend! I plan on resting and doing lots of yoga in preparation for next weeks transfer.
I had not been getting positive OPKs the last few days but since today is CD13 and last month I had a positive on this day, they decided to bring me in to have an ultrasound. Nobody wanted to miss the ovulation window so better safe than sorry.
So in I went this morning and Dr Stephens was able to find a follicle, although she did have to do a little digging. Since this “follicle” seemed like it was too high next to my ovary, she could not determine 100% if it was a follicle or a cyst. It was 17mm and if it was a follicle it looked good to go, but we needed to do some research to make sure. She decided to check my Estrogen & Progesterone levels through blood work to see if I had ovulated or not. If I hadn’t ovulated, then this is good news and the little blob we saw IS a follicle. If bloodwork showed I ovulated then this FET would be canceled- again.
I was worried. I told Dr Stephens I felt like the universe is conspiring against me getting pregnant. She laughed and said that was not going to happen- this was going to work and she was going to do whatever was necessary to ensure I transferred this month.
They took my blood and sent me on my way. I went back to work and stalked to my patient portal for the results. Exactly one hour later it was posted and I saw that my progesterone was at a 1- I definitely had not ovulated. Right on cue my nurse called to let me know to do my trigger shot at home and to expect a call from the embryologist- transfer is a go.
And in a wonderful bout of luck- Dr Stephens will be doing the transfer (I didn’t even have to ask lol)!
At this time I’m feeling an extreme sense of calmness. I’ve been waiting a long, long, long time to do this transfer, and even longer preparing for it. I feel like the universe is finally letting me know it’s my turn, and I am so excited to finally get two of my embryos where they belong.
Transfer is next Wednesday at 9:30, please wish me luck! ❤️🍀